Not Keane.

Chortling, red-cheeked, rehab-frequenting, hay-chewing chump Tom Chaplin and his popular music troupe, Keane, are offering a track from their new album as a free download for one week only, starting today. ‘Spiralling‘ is really, really bad. To give you some idea how bad it is, I had to listen to Bloc Party‘s ‘Mercury‘ afterwards, in order to cleanse my ears*.

Allow me to convey my disgust in real time. I’ll just restart the song.

Big, cheesy ‘Ooooh!’ over synthetic guitar sounds and eighties piano. Verse begins with drums, bass and repetitive piano refrain and over-emoted and over-polished vocals sit atop, speaking lots and saying nothing.

Stadium roof-lifting chorus. Tick.

“I fashioned you from jewels and stone, I made you in the image of myself.” Must have used a lot of rubies.

Cheesy guitar thing from start runs through the chorus but there’s not really a hook to hum along with. It goes up and down, up and down. You know like Keane songs do. It’s so obvious they even made a video demonstrating it for the first single off the last album.

Ah, the middle-eight.

“Did you wanna be a winner?

Did you wanna be an icon?

Did you wanna be famous?

Did you wanna be the president?”

In a weirdly American sounding voice, Tom bellows the above, and more that I can’t be bothered typing out. A few screeching, internet dial-up noises at this point to sound…edgy?

Chorus comes back. Oh good. I’m not sure that even Max Moseley would have got much enjoyment from listening to this.

Well, I’ve no idea what they’re trying to do with their ‘sound’. I confess that I quite liked bits of the debut, but whatever this is, it’s not for me.

Download, for free, from here.

*Cotton buds are more effective.

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